


Whole

by GrayJedi11



Series: intrulogical human au [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ??????????? - Freeform, Affection, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Background Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Background Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Background Morality | Patton Sanders, Background Moxiety - Freeform, Closets, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders is a Sweetheart, Depressed Logic | Logan Sanders, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Gay Logic | Logan Sanders, High school au yallllllll, Hurt/Comfort, I DIDNT FUCKING TAG THIS WITH HURT/COMFORT, KJNCKJDS, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders Are Siblings, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Feelings, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Issues, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, M/M, Mutual Pining, NO WONDER IM DISAPPOINTED WITH THE KUDOS, Nonbinary Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Nonbinary Character, Pansexual Morality | Patton Sanders, Pining, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Self-Harm, Smart Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, THESE ARE LIKE MAJOR TAGS, Therapy, Trans Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, but its not mentioned for a while, i didnt, its very intrulogical centered, like a little tiny bit, oh my fucking god, stem bbs, virgil uses xe/xir pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:55:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25819189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrayJedi11/pseuds/GrayJedi11
Summary: Logan can'tfeel.Because every time he does, someone gets hurt. His emotions have no place in the world. He vows to squash them down until finally, maybe they'll be gone. But it's not a good idea to suppress such an important part of yourself, to tear down your sadness, happiness, anger, until you're left dry and empty.And Logan doesn't understand that until he meets someone. Someone very, very special.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: intrulogical human au [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1927054
Comments: 50
Kudos: 218





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bear with me through chapter one, I swear the other ones are more coherent. It got really hard to establish everything I put in there, and I still don't have everything established. But, I pre-wrote every chapter, so I'll be updating it daily (and it's only six chapters anyway, so you should wait around). I'm likely going to write at least one additional work, so if you end up liking this, keep an eye out for that!

_ Why are you yelling? Stop yelling, stop. _

Logan didn’t know what else to do. He  _ had _ to tell them why this was happening, they were wrong, he couldn’t control this. It was awful, this awful feeling that made him completely unable to focus while incredibly worried about how he wasn’t focusing. He was just trying to tell them why.

But he didn’t have to  _ yell _ .

He had no reason to be angry at them. They did nothing wrong. But he couldn’t help it. He wanted to scream and cry and hug his mom. He wanted her to  _ understand _ what this was like. The fuzzy mold that dug into his brain and gave him fears that he didn’t want. The bricks that crawled into his chest and weighed him down and he  _ couldn’t get up. _ But she didn’t understand them and he couldn’t explain, so he yelled.

He hated yelling. It hurt, it scratched, he knew it was bad and he should stop, but he couldn’t. He needed to cry and he did cry, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted to destroy something, he was angry, he wanted to punch someone.

He couldn’t.

He was  _ nine _ , he shouldn’t be doing this to his mother. She was good and kind, and all he did was hurt her. He was awful to her, and she tried to help, but he couldn’t stop from getting annoyed, or angry, or sad. He couldn’t help but wail when the bricks got too heavy, he wanted them to be lighter. He had to move, had to hit something when the fears wouldn’t go away. He was scared his mother hated him, that she would abandon him with his brother. It didn’t make any sense, but he knew what he was doing to her and he didn’t stop. He was too much work for her.

Two years later, he was the same. Still loud, still full of emotions. His throat hurt all the time, his mother kept getting fed up (she’d tried to take him to a therapist and that didn’t work), his brother Patton was scared for his health, and his dog wouldn’t let him anywhere near her. He’d developed ways to stop bothering them, though. Hold his hand to his mouth and bury his head in the pillow until the frustration went away. Bite his arm so he couldn’t keep screaming. Hit his head again and again and again until he couldn’t be angry anymore. It hurt. It was calming.

He’d managed to become a bit less of a nuisance, at least. He’d tried to stop explaining the bricks and the mold and just let them be. They always fade after a while to something manageable. His tears were his own now. His emotions were his, and no one else needed them.

He tried to be happier for his mom. He spent more time with Patton, trying to make him happy. Patton was concerned for him, and he appreciated that, but he knew asking for help would only make them suffer, and they weren’t allowed to suffer. Only he could suffer.

He vowed to become a robot someday. Where he didn’t want to scream or hurt people. Someday it would be gone, everything would be okay. Maybe he’d have a wife and kids that he didn’t hurt like the people he loved now. They would love him and he would deserve it.

Another two years and it had a name.

Depression. Anxiety. Mental illness. They told him what he was and he hated himself even more. He was a thirteen year old being told that he’d been sick since he was a child. He was given ways to cope. He’d never tried to bleed.

He did the day he learned he could.

It was freeing. Hitting and biting was hard, but slicing his skin was so easy and so pretty. The blood that rose from within told him that he was a person, and an awful one. If anyone ever saw, it would be the end of this.

He didn’t yell anymore. Most of the time he was absolutely silent. Yes, he participated in class so he didn’t get a bad grade, but only the bare minimum. He never raised his voice, never allowed himself to laugh too loud. His brother was scared for him, but he didn’t know the half of it. He had few friends, only one other anxious teen named Virgil. He felt more comfortable talking about fear and self-hate, but only in a joking way. He had to close himself off from everyone. He couldn’t hurt  _ anyone _ .

His mother had, again, tried to get him to go to therapy. She said it would help his anxiety. God, she didn’t even know. He stopped cutting his arms pretty early on, since his mother got concerned that he always wore long sleeves. His legs got all the more blood on them.

How could he have this with people who care? How could he hate himself this much when nothing had ever happened to him? Why had this ever happened?

He didn’t know.

Fifteen was his worst year yet.

He’d made so many friends this year, yet it all got worse. He felt like he couldn’t breathe most days, like every day he was dying. He wanted that, he wanted this feeling gone. How could he heal after eight god damn years?

It was a warm October morning today. The sun shone on his back, glittering across the autumn leaves. The normally boring school looked orange and majestic. Students laughed and chatted as he passed by.

It had been a bad month. He was sure that he’d only been happy for a couple hours in the past thirty days. He didn’t understand why he hadn’t killed himself yet.

Patton was talking to him about something, probably about another cute kid. Ever since he’d come out as pan, he’d endlessly talked about the people he found attractive. It was exhausting for Logan to hear his brother point out girls he might like. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to come out.

He wanted to date. It might be nice to have someone to kiss and cuddle, to offer comfort when the days got bad. To have more comfort than cold, sharp blades. He couldn’t do that, though. He’d hurt enough people already.

Still, he couldn’t help but fantasize about some guy that would share his interest in science, talk to him about space and chemistry and biology. He wasn’t good enough for someone like that. Someone that would never date him.

He waved to Roman and Virgil as they passed. They were probably scheming some new way to get out of doing classwork. Logan sped up, realizing it was nearly time for him to organize Ms. Kachinsky’s books. He had to finish before she left her room in the morning to teach. There was supposed to be another kid, too, so he couldn’t be late.

“Hey, Lo, where’re you going?”

“Kachinsky, remember?”

“Ohhh, yeah.”

The building was cold inside. He headed into his teacher’s room, decorated blandly with supposedly motivational posters. He’d volunteered to do this job, no one else was going to organize encyclopedias for a 70-year-old woman. He didn’t know why she even had so many.

As he walked into the half-renovated closet, he was presented with many emotions.

One, this man was munching on a sheet of paper.

Two, he was  _ not _ adhering to the dress code.

Three, Logan was glad he wasn’t because a crop top and booty shorts looked damn good on him.

“Um. Hello.”

The teenager looked up, paper in hand. He stood up and tossed it in the trash, swallowing. Logan pointed slightly to the trash can.

“You were eating a piece of paper.”

“Yeah?”

“That doesn’t seem like it should be healthy.”

“I looked it up, it’s pretty much fine. Are you here to start on the books?”

Logan nodded and the two of them got to work in silence. The boy was pretty, he had a slight mustache that doesn’t work for many people, but it did for him. He looked a little like Roman, but with a broader build and stronger jaw. He was  _ exactly _ the type of person that Logan would have designed as the most attractive, in his opinion, if he would have ever designed an attractive man.

“How’d you get roped into this?”

The boy turned his brown eyes to look at Logan expectantly, who wasn’t expecting any kind of interaction with him.

“I volunteered.”

“Oh, teacher’s pet?”

“She’s 70. No one else was going to help.”

“Fair. This is my substitute for detention ‘cause I have to work after school. I’m Remus.”

He stuck out his hand, which Logan took.

“Logan.”

“Oh, really? I was kinda looking into that name. One of my friends stole it, though.”

A look of confusion crossed over Logan’s face, but it disappeared as Remus held out the trans pin on his jacket. He noticed now how many pins there really were. There was the trans one, he/him, a weed symbol (however he got away with that), a skull one, an atom one, a chemistry tube, a gay flag, and various other little ones. They offered quite a bit of insight onto his personality, which seemed more and more attractive as their interaction went on.

Remus kept talking to him, which he didn’t quite understand. He didn’t have much of a personality, and what he did have, he didn’t really show. Most of his personality was just extreme emotions. He didn’t show those, either.

They did get to talking, though. Remus somehow pried out Logan’s interest in science and his plans for the future. They talked about how they’d do anything in STEM if they could. They talked about how annoying humanities majors were, and how annoying they were to humanities majors.

They finished the books, and Remus’s conversational skills got Logan to stay a tiny bit longer. Too much longer.

Before they even knew, there was a click at the door. The closet was big, so it wasn’t like they were right next to the door.

“What was that?”

Logan headed cautiously to the door and turned the knob. It wouldn’t budge.

“We’re locked in.”

Remus whispered “shit” under his breath before running to the door and banging loudly. The sound was fast and loud. They were locked in, they wouldn’t make it to class, they’d get in trouble, he’d be awful  _ all over again- _

He couldn’t breathe. He was a failure all over again. He needed to get to class, his nails dug into his skin, his razor could help now, but he was shaking now and everything was wrong and this was supposed to be a simple morning thing and he shouldn’t have stayed and he shouldn’t have liked Remus and he shouldn’t feel anything, not anger, not fear, not sadness, not love-

“Hey, hey, are you okay? Is there anything I can do?”

_ This is the first time you meet him and he’ll already know you’re fucked up. _

Logan dodged away from him, tripping over a chair and falling on the floor. He could barely control his movements, his arms and hands wouldn’t listen to him, and he was  _ already _ seeing this, he was never going to get a boyfriend or make another friend and he was dumb for thinking that. He grasped his upper arms with his hands, digging his nails into them, hoping it would help enough to stay fucking still.

“Logan, can you take my hands? If you don’t want to, that’s fine, I know we don’t know each other, I just wanna help.”

Logan tentatively reached out his hand, well aware of the indents on his arm. Remus’s hand was warm and strong, so he reached out his other hand as well. He rocked slightly, trying to steady his breathing.

“If you’re worried about getting in trouble, they can’t exactly blame us for getting trapped in a closet. It’s only one day, I’m sure it won’t hurt to miss a class or two. You can make up work and you can talk to your teachers if you’re concerned about missing important stuff.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks. I’m sorry for wasting your time with that.”

“Don’t be. It’s okay.”

Logan leaned against the wall now, holding his knees. Remus slid down beside him.

_ Why do you feel comfortable with him? _

Even from their distance, Logan could feel his presence there.

_ You just met him. _

“Whaddya wanna do?”

“...I think I have travel checkers.”

“...Sure.”

Logan searched through his bag, pulling out a tiny box and opened it. The little magnetic pieces had to be pried off of the board and rearranged. They played probably over ten times before the game couldn’t sustain their attention any longer. Logan started trying to stack them, knowing it wouldn’t work, but hey, he was bored. Remus took the ones Logan wasn’t using to form the shape of male genitals.

“Hey, could I borrow some of yours?”

Logan wasn’t getting anywhere anyway. He pushed his pieces over to Remus and leaned back on the wall. He checked his watch. It was already an hour past the time they were supposed to be in class, and no one had come by yet. They probably weren’t going to until Ms. Kachinsky came back to get her lunch. Since her room was being renovated, she was teaching health either in other classrooms or outside if they got desperate.

Remus looked rather proud of himself when he finished his creation. 

“So we’re stuck in here for another few hours, with nothing to occupy us but encyclopedias, whatever we have in our bags, and each other.”

“The things you could do to someone in here… With someone. That’s not better.”

“Who cares what anything implies at this point?”

Remus joined Logan against the wall, staring blankly with him. 

“You got your phone?”

“Didn’t think I’d need it. How about you?”

“Broken. Like it usually is. At least I have a job. And a brother.”

Remus paused for a moment before speaking again.

“I suppose we’re kinda obligated to become friends. After spending so much time alone in a closet.”

“We could play a game. You do that with friends, right?”

“Never have I ever been stuck in a closet before.”

Logan held up his fingers and put one down.

“If we’re talking metaphorical closets, yeah.”

He took a moment to realize what he’d just said. He’d half-outed himself to a practical stranger. He hadn’t come out to  _ anyone _ yet.

“Oh, I guess I told a lie then.”

Remus put one of his own fingers down.

“...I’ve literally never come out before. You’re the first person and I barely know you. Heh, maybe I should actually tell my brother so he starts pointing out cute guys instead of girls.”

“I’m honored. Your turn.”

“Oh, yeah. I guess I’ll go for the boring one. Never have I ever been in a relationship. Not surprised, though.”

“Can I be excused ‘cause it was a girl?”

“Fair. You go.”

“Mm… Never have I ever had a dog.”

“Really? You seem like a dog person.”

Logan put his second finger down, shifting slightly.

“Nah. My dad’s allergic. I keep trying to sneak one in anyway, but my brother always catches me. Didn’t think it’d be that hard to get him on board. He  _ loves _ dogs. Side effect of being the perfect child, I guess. You don’t let yourself do what you want. My parents are good parents, they just… trust him a bit more.”

“It’s not so bad to be independent. No trans kid with transphobic parents ever chopped off their hair, or binded for the first time, or wore a wig or a dress with their parents’ permission.”

“No one ever found their passion from someone who tried to choose their path.”

“Very insightful.”

“Thank you. Anyway, it’s your turn.”

“Never have I ever worn a crop top.”

“Hey, that’s cheating. You should, though, you’d look good.”

“Would I?” Logan’s cheeks dusted slightly pink.

“Would it be weird to offer you to try mine on?”

“Probably, but I don’t think either of us are very normal. Plus, you develop a certain kind of relationship with someone you’re locked in the closet with.”

Logan’s small blush only darkened as they turned away from each other and he heard fabric moving about. Remus tossed the shirt over his shoulder, and probably blushed as Logan took his own shirt off.

Remus had buttoned his jacket to cover his chest. It didn’t completely cover it, but it didn’t matter to him all that much (Logan, however, turned red when he saw it). The shirt fit reasonably well, a little loose but it looked good nonetheless. Logan was hesitant, but Remus might have thought it looked  _ very _ good according to the color of his cheeks.

“Didn’t think you could get much hotter. I was very wrong.”

Well  _ that _ confirmed it.

Logan didn’t usually get flustered so much that other people could tell, but this had triggered the darkest shade of pink to cross his cheeks. Remus giggled at that, which only made them darker.

“Hah, made you blush.”

“Was that your only intention?”

“Oh no, don’t get me wrong, I meant it.”

“We barely even know each other.”

“Are you saying I’m not allowed to flirt?”

“Do what you want, I guess. Sure. Flirt. All laws are broken, we’re locked in a closet.”

“ _ Whatever _ I want?”

“Now it’s enough.”

“Fine. Got any more ideas?”

“Search for a morsel of food in my bag, maybe.”

“I might have chips in my bag. If not, I may have to resort to cannibalism.”

“Then you wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. And didn’t you say I was hot? Pretty sure a half-eaten body won’t be as nice to look at.”

“You never know.”

Remus found a small bag of chips in his bag, opening it and handing Logan some chips. They both munched quietly until it was done, then returned to their placement on the wall.

“Oh, do you want your shirt back?”

“Not really, but I should take it. Someday when we’re not trapped in a closet I’m gonna buy you a crop top.”

They changed back into their original clothes, Remus nearly stealing a glance at Logan’s shirtless body.

“How much time do you think we’ve got left?” Remus turned his head lazily towards the other boy.

“Probably another hour or so.”

“We never finished the game, did we?”

“No. Your turn, I believe.”

“Except now we both have to put a finger down ‘cause you wore the crop top.”

“That’s not how it works!”

“Hey, I put a finger down for metaphorical closets. Plus I let you wear my crop top, it’s only fair.”

“Well… I guess I have two left now.”

“Hah, three. I’m winning. Never have I ever,” Remus began, “eaten pie. It’s the one sweet thing I’ve never had. My mom tries to make it sometimes, but it always gets burnt. I’ve tried to convince them to let me eat it anyway.”

“Hm. Me neither.”

“Seriously? Hasn’t basically everyone eaten pie?”   
  


“Too much sugar.”

“At least it’s fruit, though. I mean, you accepted the chips, those aren’t exactly healthy.”

“That’s an exception. We don’t have any other food.”

“Well, fair. Your turn.”

“Never have I ever… heh, never have I ever been happy. Shit, no, didn’t mean to say that.”

_ It’s not that inaccurate, though. _

“Guess we’d both have to put a finger down. You’re smiling.”

“Hey, doesn’t mean I’m happy.”

“I know how smiling works. If it’s real, your eyes squint at least a little bit. Your eyes are squinting a lot. It’s cute.”

Logan accepted this and put another finger down. He hated feeling because he knew what it did to people when he did. When he was happy, he wasn’t on guard. He had to be careful about what he was doing, else he could end up being insensitive.

“Okay. If I can get one more, I win. Never have I ever been on a plane.”

“God, I wish.”

“Oh, come on. If you end up beating me, I’ll eat your homework.”

“Never have I ever had to copy someone’s homework.”

“Well I guess you managed to get both of us to one. My threat still stands. Never have I ever played piano.”

“Nope.”

“I’m gonna change that at somepoint. You’d be hot playing piano.”

Logan leaned in closer.

“Never have I ever been as pretty as you.”

“We both lose.”

“That- doesn’t even work.”

“Sure it does.”

“God, I barely know you and I’m  _ flirting _ with you.”

“Like we’ve both said, locked in a closet. Who cares what we do? Honestly I’d be down to fuck if we weren’t in school.”

“We’re teenagers.”

“So? Heh, we’ve already taken our clothes off in front of each other.”

“We weren’t  _ looking _ at each other.”

They heard footsteps from outside. Remus got up immediately and started knocking on the door as loudly as he could. They thankfully got closer, and they were both relieved when the doorknob turned and the classroom’s light poured in and it wasn’t just a dim lamp lighting the room. Logan felt as if he’d lost something, despite the return to class supposedly being a good thing. He felt just a little bit emptier.

“Ms. Kachinsky! I apologize, it seems as if we were accidentally locked in.”

“Oh no,  _ I’m _ sorry, boys. I mean, I’m the one who locked you in here, I’m guessing. Well, you’d better get to class. I’ll send you both with a note.”

She wrote them both a note and they went on their way, no way of knowing what she’d just created.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan still has bad associations.

They had, indeed, ended up as friends. Things were different than they originally were, for a while (for example, the flirting had seemed to be confined to their first meeting), but they’d somehow settled into the closet dynamic, more or less. It was odd, Logan realized, having such a nearly romantic relationship be… platonic.

He wasn’t mad about it, though. It was comfortable, talking to him. Nothing was weird when they were hanging out. They talked freely about intestines, the deep sea, the weirdest things you could find on the internet, art, sometimes, the best forms of explosions, the most efficient ways of murder… anything. Yet it was all still mixed in with something neither of them could quite understand.

Neither of them were quite sure what their relationship was.

But Remus had been able to pull Logan out of his shell. He still restrained himself from talking above a medium volume, but no one he knew really expected any different.

And one of the things that they discovered they loved was arguing.

Not in an aggressive way, but rather in a debate fashion, but less structured. They loved arguing about all the things you could do with science, even the ethics of it, sometimes. And a few times they’d started arguing about more trivial topics, such as ‘is slime completely gross or can it be helpful sometimes?’ They’d eventually decided, with Remus’s obsession with it, that despite it being a weird trend at one point, it can be used for… interesting pranks. He felt more alive when he was around Remus, more complete.

“Excuse me, Logan, but that ‘weird internet slang’ is incredibly useful for saying stuff in different ways, especially when normal words would be too serious for a situation.”

Remus sat cross-legged on the floor of Logan’s bedroom as his friend collected his phone and joined him.

“I have to disagree. Is alienating thousands of people ‘useful?’ I can get acronyms, but once they become something completely unrelated to what the acronym says it should be I don’t know what to think. With any of these slang terms, we have to acquire meanings from their most-used contexts, and that simply isn’t efficient when you’re trying to learn new words.”

“What do you do when you look stuff up in a dictionary? It gives you sample sentences.”

“But phrases such as ‘wig,’ and ‘slap,’ they don’t follow the normal rules of what I assume they should be. I still don’t fully understand what they mean, and as you’ve seen with my attempts at using flash cards, the definition and example alone doesn’t always help. You need repeated context, and again, it’s not efficient.”

“You  _ learn _ it, that’s the point! And I know you’re good at learning, you just need to immerse yourself more.”

“That’s my point, though! Language was created to be understandable by a large group of people, and when you restrict that group to a generation, not everyone has access to information about the language! Not to mention many of the phrases don’t make any sense, especially the... what are they called? VSCO girl ones? They’re just-  _ dumb _ sometimes! Sure use whatever words you like, but how are you supposed to nearly guess what ‘and I oop’ even  _ means _ ?!”

“‘And I oop’ is an  _ ingenious _ term!”

“ _ FALSEHOOD _ !”

He clapped a hand over his mouth, horrified with what he’d just done. He scrunched himself up against the wall, hugging his stomach. He couldn’t breathe anymore. He’d fucked up. He’d managed  _ so long _ and now he was going to start hurting people again, and Remus of all people. Remus, who cared, who tried to help, he couldn’t lose his best friend. Tears filled his eyes, and he pressed in on them, hoping that would make it go away. But he couldn’t talk, he shouldn’t be able to talk.

And it hurt. 

Like it used to.

He wanted to scream so badly, but it was so awful, he’d gotten a taste of letting those feelings free, for a moment, but it wasn’t-

It wasn’t anger. It was joy. He’d spent a moment simply reveling in joy. They were arguing, but grinning at each other, happy just to talk, whether it was debate-like or not.

But it was loud. And it was mean, and it was scary. He’d scared so many people in his life, and now he was scaring Remus, the one person he’d felt comfortable in all those feelings with. The one person he was desperate to love him, and he needed him, someone like him, and he’d driven him away and he was alone again, alone forever, he would never,  _ ever _ get a boyfriend, or keep his friends, or have  _ anyo _ -

“Please, Logan, it’s okay, please, you didn’t do anything wrong, just look at me, you’ll be  _ okay _ .”

Remus’s hand brushed his arm and he flinched away, curling into a little ball on the floor. He wanted to lean back into his arms, to hear that it’s going to be okay in a quiet whisper. But it  _ wasn’t _ .

“If you don’t want me to touch you, that’s fine. Do you want to do the breathing technique? Logan, please say something.”

He couldn’t manage anything but a whimper, trying to follow along with Remus’s numbers, but he held for too long, he couldn’t breathe-

“Logan, exhale, please, exhale,” he said, probably with concern in his eyes, but Logan’s were shut tight, and he couldn’t breathe, he didn’t know how it was so  _ easy _ most of the time, it seemed like the most goddamn difficult thing.

“ _ Exhale, I need you to... _ ”

The voice faded out, all that was left was Logan and his mind. His throat, it hurt, it had been so loud, Remus was so loud, he needed it to stop hurting, he needed to be silent, he needed something, he needed someone, he needed Remu-

“LOGAN, BREATHE!”

He could see now, he was crying. His hands were pressed up against his chest, and his breath was still caught. It didn’t help that Remus’s presence made his heart skip a beat, even in the midst of all this. His friend was crying, a miserable expression on his face. He knew he’d hurt him, he tried to breathe but the air refused to go anywhere but  _ in _ . He felt like he was going to pass out-

“Don’t make me- don’t make me do fucking CPR or something just so you’ll fucking exhale. You need, you need to say something if you won’t- won’t fucking breathe. I need you t- please, you have to breathe.”

“Re-”

“Remus-”

“Remus, Re-”

He said it over and over, again and again until he needed to inhale again. Remus’s eyes filled with bigger tears, and he collapsed into Logan’s chest. Sobs echoed against his body, and he could barely move, beginning to cry himself.

“Lo- what just happened? Did I do something? God, that, you  _ scared _ me-”

He drew in another sharp breath, pulling away from Remus, trying to escape his grasp. His legs began to fidget again, he needed to hurt himself to stop this. He was awful, scary, miserable, and he hurt people and Remus would never stay, no one wanted to stay-

But Remus held on tight.

He didn’t leave, instead he just held tighter. Logan steadied his breaths for him, just for him, shaking in his arms but grateful,  _ so _ grateful for the comfort.

“What _ happened _ ?”

“I- I yelled at you.”

“...Your falsehood?”

He nodded into Remus’s shoulder, the other boy leaning back to look at him.

“You… you weren’t even angry.”

“I can’t- I shouldn’t yell.”

“Why? It’s not like anyone cares how loud we are. And I yell, you don’t mind that.”

“It’s… it’s because…”

“It’s because every time I’ve yelled, someone gets hurt. It happened this time, you said you were scared, but I can’t let anyone be scared of me, especially not you because I-”

“You help me. I… don’t know if I would’ve been able to calm down if you weren’t here.”

“...You don’t hurt me, Logan. You’re hurting.”

Remus leaned forward, nestling his chin on Logan’s shoulder. His face grew warm as he realized it was being squished up against his friend’s. His arms were still shaky as he gripped Remus’s torso back.

“And I don’t want you to ever have to feel like that again.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus takes Logan on an adventure to tell him something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm impatient so i'm posting this now. also i'm going to sleep soon so i can hopefully wake up to feedback.

“C’mon, nerd.”

“Remus, it’s the middle of the night-”

“Exactly.”

Remus dragged Logan down the stairs, who was desperately trying to stay quiet. It was nearly midnight, and the sky was pitch black when they arrived outside, save for the few stars not drowned out by light pollution. Logan was ushered down the block to the bus stop before he could object.

Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to.

“Remus, where are we going?”

“To see the stars!”

“We can’t- we can’t go on the bus, it’s the middle of the night-”

“Yes, we can.”

Logan’s feelings had definitely grown. God, he couldn’t even sit next to Remus on the goddamn bus without being extremely conscious of the warmth coming from him. He let himself glance at his friend a few times.

_ God, is he pretty. _

_ What was the flirting in the closet? And what does the sudden absence of it mean? _

_ Does he just find me attractive? _

_ I couldn’t fathom why. _

_ Maybe he is in love with me. _

_ Doubtful. _

He was whisked from his thoughts and out of the bus. They were on the outskirts of the city at this point, where there were fewer houses, and more importantly, fewer lights. Remus pulled Logan with him, running through the empty streets until he stopped at a house.

“Who’s house is this?”

“Grandma’s. She gave me a spare key in case something happened. Not sure if she’s home, or away or something, she never tells us.”

“I’m just glad you had an answer to that question.”

“I wouldn’t have if I could scale walls.”

“Wait, what are we doing here?”

Remus grinned at him, jogging up the steps, unlocking the door and bringing him inside. He had no choice but to follow him upstairs in case he did something stupid. They wandered through the halls, until he’d apparently found the door he was looking for, opening it and creeping into the bedroom.

“Why, exactly, are we here?”

“Because…” he said, heading over to the window, “we can…” he pulled the window up, shoving the screen along with it after, “...get on the roof this way.”

He smiled at Logan, presenting the open window with a swish of his hand.

“You realize that’s… very dangerous. We’re on the third floor.”

“Hmm? What’re you saying?”

Remus was already crawling out the window, stepping out onto the ledge. Logan followed him reluctantly, but only to make sure he didn’t fall to his death. The breeze was cool, and the stars were much prettier out here. The ledge was barely enough room for them to sit, though.

“C’mon, Lo, there’s a wider bit this way.”

“Remus- Remus!”

He’d begun climbing up the side of the roof, which, if their venture wasn’t already dangerous, was an extremely stupid venture. Still, he couldn’t help but follow. It was stupid, and both of them would probably die, or at least get minorly injured, if nothing else.

Remus slid down the other side to a flat part of the roof, which seemed  _ much _ safer than their previous ledge. Logan joined him sitting down, and felt a soft warmth on his shoulder.

“Lay down, Lo. We’ll see them better.”

Remus only moved closer when he did so, and he couldn’t help but feel the burning in his cheeks.

“What constellations are around right now?”

“I think you can just make out Cancer right…” Logan pointed, squinting his eyes, “there. It’s a bit later than the best time to see it, but you can.”

“You remembered my star sign?”

“Well, I thought it would be more interesting than just some random constellation. Oh, there’s Orion.”

“See? Aren’t you glad I brought you out here?”

“I must admit, it’s wonderful to be able to see the stars so well. It’s not nearly as remote as is optimal, but… it’s better than what I’m used to. Although I still can’t condone being on the roof.”

“I don’t think you ever will, and I don’t think you should.”

Remus snuggled closer as Logan continued pointing out the constellations he recognized. He loved the times when they would argue, get excited together, share passions, but this was different. And it was nice. It was calm, and it was quiet, and it was perfect.

“Lo?”

“Mhm?”

“I wanna tell you something. And I wanted to tell you tonight.”

“So, if you can’t already tell from nearly every interaction we’ve had, and what’s happening at the moment,” he gestured vaguely towards his head laid on Logan’s chest, “I really like you. I love you. And if you’d like to keep things platonic, that’s fine too. Just thought you should know.”

Logan hesitated for a moment, gazing at Remus’s face, gentle and loving. He shifted slightly, smiling as he reached down to take Remus’s hand, rubbing it, heat rising on his cheeks as the action was returned with a tight squeeze.

”...I believe kissing is a conventional thing to do when you share mutual romantic feelings with someone.”

Remus shifted, propping himself up with one arm and letting go of his hand to brush his hand on Logan’s cheek. He leaned down to join their lips, reveling in the silence. The only thing there to move, or make noise, was Logan. Logan’s heart was filled to the brim, something he didn’t know he would ever feel. His whole body felt like that, relaxed, loved. Neither were sure how to go about a first kiss, so it ended up being short and soft.

“I don’t understand it, but it’s… wonderful.”

Logan guided Remus’s head back down, deciding to experiment more. This kiss was lengthened, Logan wrapping his arms around Remus, allowing himself to relax. It was hard not to, as he melted from the intimacy. Remus pressed harder, allowing it to contradict the soft night air and have a little taste of passion.

“If… it’s not weird, do you mind if I note down my emotional response to this?”   
  


“Honestly, I was considering that too, it’s a  _ lot _ different than kissing a girl. Especially since it’s  _ you _ . ...Shouldn’t we repeat the experiment to get the most accurate data?”

“I believe that would be the best course of action.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan tells Remus about his scars.

Things had changed. For the better.

Flirting and kisses were sprinkled in with their debates, cuddles had become more intimate, they’d even begun dancing together whenever Remus felt like sweeping his boyfriend up to a song. Overall, they’d just… gotten to know each other better.

So Logan had mustered up the courage to tell him about... everything.

It was a nice day, and the pair of them were spending it at Remus’s house. They were watching She-Ra together, and although Logan tended to call cartoons silly, he gave this one a chance for the representation. It turned out to be more enjoyable than he expected, but he’d probably just go back to watching shitty horror movies and Doctor Who once they were done.

He meant to tell him today. If there was one thing he didn’t go back on, it was schedules.

The episode ended, and he paused it before the next one could autoplay. He leaned up to kiss Remus lightly, setting his head against his shoulder.

“Do you enjoy kissing me more than the show?” 

“Well, maybe, but I was actually distracting you for another reason.”

“Hmm?”

“I’ve…” he fidgeted with Remus’s jacket, “been meaning to tell you something. And it’s kind of important, and it might affect our relationship, but you should know… what… it is. I’m sorry, I can’t quite explain properly, I should just-”

Logan took a deep breath, crawling out from under the blankets. He leaned up and kissed Remus, scared that it might be his last chance to. Hesitantly, he pulled up one pant leg, biting his lip to prepare for what may come.

“I… cut. I have for a long time. I’ve had depression probably since I was nine, and I understand if you can’t deal with that. If you can’t, please tell me. I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Logan…”

He was nearly speechless, and nearly crying, it seemed. He reached out a hand towards the old and new scars, Logan pulling the other leg up as well.

“Feel free to break up with me.”

“W-why would I break up with you? I love you, mental illness doesn’t change that, and it’s not like I have any problems. I just want to help you, Lo. Do you have a therapist? Please tell me you’re getting help.”

“I- uh, that plan failed when I was younger.”

“I thought you were probably getting help for your anxiety, but really? You have nothing?”

“I’m- I’m sorry-”

“No, don’t apologize, it’s okay, I’m just… really worried. Does anyone else know? Could your mom help?”

“She could, but… I can’t imagine telling her about this. I’m sure there’s some way…? I don’t know, I’ve barely even thought about getting help before.”

“I’ll help you get it, okay?”

“...Thanks, Re.”

“Thank you. For telling me. For trusting me.”

“I’m just glad you’re still here.”

Remus brushed a tear away from under his glasses, letting him hide the rest of his tears in Remus’s shirt. He held tight to his boyfriend’s torso, it felt so  _ secure, _ so  _ safe _ . Maybe someone as amazing as Remus would convince him to get help. It was the logical thing to do, after all.

“You wanna keep watching the show? Or are you still a little too emotional?”

“I think I’d rather be distracted from emotions at all costs,” he choked out, laughing pitifully.

It didn’t help to be so emotional when Catra and Adora finally kissed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Logan have a day out.

“God, we really need to go on more proper dates.”

“Preferably ones that aren’t as expensive as this restaurant,” Logan commented, studying the menu.

“There’s some cheaper places, plus places like lakes and abandoned buildings that don’t cost anything. How cool does a picnic in an abandoned building sound? Once I got a bunch of people to come with me, and my brother Roman-”

“Roman’s your  _ brother _ ? I fucking fell in love with one of my best friend’s  _ brother _ ?”

“You know him?  _ You _ ?”

“Since seventh grade.”

“I started dating someone who’s friends with my brother. If I learned that when we first met, I would’ve probably stopped talking to you that exact moment.”

“Well, you don’t talk about him very much.”

“...Yeah,” Remus leaned back in his seat, looking away, “he doesn’t like me very much.”

“My brother’s not much of a fan of me either. Well, he makes sure I know he loves me, but that’s mostly just his personality. I think he thinks I don’t talk about my feelings enough. No shit, Patton.”

Remus chuckled, sipping his water before glaring at it and shaking a bit of salt in it. He swished it around before noticing the look on Logan’s face.

“What? It’s supposed to help with digestion.”

“I know, but… well, if it tastes drinkable to you, I suppose it’s worth it.”

“So why are you friends with my brother?”

“I- I don’t know, Remus. Virgil liked him, and so does Patton. Although they all seem to prefer talking to my brother at this point.”

“Talk to whoever you want, then. And if Patton’s stealing your friends, you steal them right the fuck back, alright babe?”

Logan laughed, the waiter appearing from behind him, taking both of their orders. He wondered vaguely if they should’ve left by this point, considering that they were spending a good deal of their money on just the restaurant. They’d planned to go to a thrift shop afterwards, but whether it would be worth it to only be able to get a very limited amount of things, they didn’t know quite yet. Although Remus might end up changing their plans for the two of them, considering he had good reason to.

“Well, that was thoroughly disappointing.”

The meal hadn’t been worth the money, Logan decided as they exited. It hadn’t even been  _ that _ expensive, Remus just hadn’t brought a lot of money and Logan didn’t have very much money to bring. He had been trying to get a proper job, not just doing odd jobs around his neighborhood and saving the little money he got for college. But he’d indulge with his boyfriend, at least once in a while.

“Next time we’ll just go to a food truck.”

“I think that’s a much better idea.”

“So, where’re we going? Unless you  _ really _ wanna go to the thrift store, I think we should wait for another day. I tend to buy a lot of stuff at thrift stores. Once I found little octopus figurines. One of them broke, though.”

“...So, where else?”

Remus paused for a moment. “I realize that it also involves spending money, but we should really go to the record store.”

“I don’t think-”

“Too late, we’re going.”

Logan smiled as Remus grabbed his hand and led him down the crowded sidewalk, past shops and alleyways. The restaurant was soon far in the distance, and Logan couldn’t tell if Remus actually knew where the record shop was. Soon, though, they arrived there, stepping inside to see the stacks arranged neatly. Remus immediately began sifting through them, picking up one with a rather interesting cover and showing it to Logan.

“What do you think?”

Logan examined it more closely. “I think you don’t enjoy jazz.”   
  


“But it looks so cool.”

Logan took it from him to put it back. “But you’re never gonna listen to it.”

“...Yeah. But most of the stuff in here I’m not gonna listen to.”

“Think a little more critically at least, though.”

Remus didn’t end up finding anything that interested him, but he did sweep up Logan in a dance to the music playing in the store. Logan tried to convince him that they were likely disturbing the other customers (especially considering that they weren’t buying anything) to which Remus replied “we’re gay, they can’t stop us.” Logan could do nothing but sigh and lean into the dance.

Before they left, though, one record did catch Logan’s eye. Remus convinced Logan to let him pay for it, likely so his boyfriend wouldn’t steal his record player again, and also so he’d have a reason to bring Logan over to his house, where Patton wouldn’t accidentally interrupt their makeout sessions.

“You wanna hang out on the docks until one of our parents calls to yell at us to come home?”

“I’d love to.”

Remus grinned, wide and excited, again pulling Logan by the hand. They steadied into a slower pace, Remus’s grip tighter than it probably should be. Logan listened to him talk endlessly about whatever came to his mind, whether it was spurred on from their surroundings or completely unrelated thoughts.

The river was quiet at this time of day. Most boaters had gone home, and few people hung around the area anyway. There was a breeze as they walked out along the wooden dock, removing their shoes to dip their feet in the water. Remus pulled his pants up to his knees, kicking around the river water. Logan hesitated.

“You don’t have to.”

Remus looked towards his boyfriend, edging his hand closer so their fingers touched. Logan stared at his bent knees, then pulled his hand away to pull them up as well. It was mostly older scars littering his legs.

“I’ve been doing better. Since I told you.”

Remus’s face immediately brightened. Most of the scars were old now, the worst ones thin strips of pink as he placed his feet in the water. Remus took Logan’s hand again, tracing the lines in his palm.

“Hey.”

Logan looked up at him, almost worried.

“I’m proud of you.”

Logan’s cheeks turned a little pink at the soft expression on Remus’s face, so genuine he could nearly believe it. Maybe he  _ did _ believe it.

“And Remus?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“I think I’m gonna tell her.”

They both paused for a moment, the orange light casting a glow on their faces.

“Maybe not everything, but… I’m at least going to tell her I need therapy. I’ve known I needed help for a long time and it’s…  _ really _ stupid that I’ve never properly sought it out. Now, I guess… I’m ready to help myself. And that’s partially your doing.”

Remus pulled him close, holding tight to his torso. Was he  _ crying _ into Logan’s shoulder? They must be happy tears, at least, for the whispered ‘I’m proud of you’s and ‘thank you’s. It was a good feeling, knowing that he’d made Remus proud, happy. It was satisfying, like Remus feeling good that Logan was going to have the chance to get help made some of his… negative feelings fade away.

“You’re really that happy?”

“Logan, you’re- you’re gonna get  _ help _ , of course I’m happy.”

“If… if it makes you that happy, I’ll keep trying until I’m okay. I’m gonna make sure I’m okay for you. If not for me, for you.”

“You’re gonna be okay.”

“I’m gonna be okay.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good news and hopeful tears.

Remus had begun to relish in the freedom of summer, going on ‘adventures’ in the outdoors, swimming in lakes, breaking into more abandoned buildings, (and a few that weren’t yet abandoned) with Logan tagging along sometimes. He was more interested in some things than others, mostly Remus’s ventures into the woods. He enjoyed reading in the quietness of the forest.

Today wasn’t one of those days, however. Remus was sitting on his bed, anxiously waiting for his boyfriend to arrive. He kicked his legs on the edge of the bed, his phone sitting in his lap. He shouldn’t be this impatient, but it had been a few days since they’d been able to hang out for more than half an hour. Logan was busy with various forms of studying, (something Remus had strongly advised against, but Logan had persisted) but at least it was less work than he made himself do during the school year.

_ Knock knock _ .

Remus leapt up, racing to the door. Sure enough, Logan stood outside in his usual polo and jeans. Remus pulled him into a tight hug, kissing all over his face.

“Remus, you saw me two days ago.”

“And I  _ missed _ you!”

Logan smiled at him, twirling inside with him. Logan wasn’t usually the one to initiate a dance, but today he seemed… more energetic. More lively, happier.

He hummed a tune as they entered Remus’s house, his hand on Remus’s waist, swaying to the rhythm of his song. 

“Well, you’re peppy.”

Logan kissed him. He could feel the smile on his lips and couldn’t help but smile back, knowing today was a good day. Logan pressed against him, finally breaking the kiss, but still holding their faces close.

“Guess what happened today.”

“Patton got a boyfriend.”

“Sadly, no. He’s been crushing on Virgil for a while, there’s a good chance xe likes him back. He’s too much of a coward to tell xem, and xe probably is too.”

“Talk about stealing your friends.”

“Any other guesses?”

“You got a job?”

Logan leaned back, hands resting on Remus’s waist. “No. But I do have some applications in.”

“...You decided you’re gonna break up with me?”

“No! Why would I be acting so ‘peppy’ if I was going to break up with you?”

“I’m running out of options, Lo.”

“Well, if you really can’t guess…”

Logan’s arms slipped from Remus’s waist to his hands, who laced their fingers together, face poised in excitement.

“Today was my first therapy appointment.”

“Holy shit- that’s, that’s amazing! Is your therapist good? Do you like them? Is it really that helpful? I mean, it has to be, based on how happy you are.”

“Yeah, it’s- it’s nice. She’s trans and bisexual, so I don’t have to worry too much about anything like that, talking about queer friends, talking about how homophobia affects how I feel… It’s really nice. And it seems like it’s going to work out. Obviously it’s gonna take a while to get a diagnosis and maybe antidepressants, depending on how things work out, but I’m sure it’s gonna help.”

Remus cupped his cheeks, grinning. “I’m so… I’m so happy for you.”

“Rest assured that you’re a big reason I even  _ got _ this far. If you hadn’t, if I hadn’t met you, I would probably be exactly where I was last fall. You… you force me to  _ live _ . I put my trust in you, so it’s really nice to have the person that you love, you trust, telling you to help yourself. I wasn't sure if it was even possible to feel  _ this _ happy before I met you. Thank you. Thank you for being such a wonderful person to me, even if I hate myself, even if I don’t think my scars are lovable, you’re the reason that they’re going to start fading.”

“Lo, babe, don’t- don’t make me cry-”

Remus kissed him again, eyes wet. He wiped them dry nearly every five seconds, Logan helping a little bit too.   
  


“Thank- thank you for listening to me. The thought that- that you’re gonna be happy, you’re gonna be okay, I swear, it’s the most valuable hope I’ve ever held onto. But just, try to remember that it’s not gonna be straight up progress. I’ve done a lot of research- I’m sure you have too- and if you’ve come a long way, and things seem to start going backwards, remember that progress isn’t linear- you’re gonna have more lows.”

“I… dread them. But, maybe- maybe I could keep a graph to show how my progress goes. Or multiple. One for the general… feeling, another for self-harm, another for panic attacks.”

“Yeah, that’s- that’s a really good idea.”

“You think-” he’d started crying a little too- “it’s gonna work out? I’m finally gonna… be happy? At some point, at least? After… eight years, I’m not going to hate myself every time I look in the mirror?”

“I think it’s possible. I  _ know _ it’s possible. And I’m going to be  _ so _ happy to see you happy.”

“Then… I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Remus sniffed, looking at their matching tear-soaked shirts. “You want some hot cocoa?” He managed a little laugh that was echoed by Logan.

“I think hydration would be a good idea.”

He felt better. Happier, more loved. Complete and content and… 

Whole.


End file.
